POISON!!

I never really thought about it much before, I used to always think that I was the one being hurt in my relationships by those whom I had chosen. I used to think that they hurt me because of some DEFECT of character that was in them that I couldn't love or caress away. That was until recently.

Recently, I've started to view my relationship with this new guy from a whole new perspective and now have some insight who just may have the  TRUE DEFECT OF CHARACTER after all; me! That is not plesent for me to admit that but I'm being hit in the face with some harsh realities from close friends and when worlds, principalities and intellects collide, well MY brain for one, just starts to go into hyper drive analyzing a circumstance or situation. Especially this one I'm in right now. 

I would've never suspected that I would be a toxic contaminant in a relationship. Where my being with someone would do more harm to that relationship than any good could ever come of it but I'm starting to to get a clearer vision here of the present state of my affairs. The man I'm with today is being CHOKED by my presence! I'm not sure if he even sees or he knows what's happening. If he does he's not saying, which is another indicator that I may be too toxic-he's afraid to be open with me. I never would've imagined that I would be feeling this way and saying this about myself, I probably would've considered this something to hide or be ashamed of because it is after all a failure of sorts and does appear to show that I have some LOW MORAL FIBER still lingering in my persona which probably should have been gone by now seeing as how I'm a little up in age. But lo that is not my scenario and I am as far from wise in matters of the heart and how to do relationships as a child is  to mastering transferring equities into annuties (if you can do such a thing!)

The other day when I thought about what I was doing to my mate, I thought about the fragility of his state of mind and what the particular circumstances were he has yet to walk all the way out of. I thought about if we are both to be considered in program, I would be "13 stepping" this guy! STRAIGHT UP!! That thought disgusted me, sincerely. 

(Sorry this blog isn't happy, rosy or pretty but blogs are supposed to be our emotions as we're feeling them. These are my feelings today).

And since then, I've thought of nothing else but how I'm hurting this man by being with him. And here is the really sucky part about this is now that I'm in it, like him a lot...how do I stop?

I'm the POISON here I know it. As sure as my name is what it is I have to stand and own this. This could've been and STILL has the potential to be a perfect "MATCH" but the way I've run it....I think not. 

how do I stop?