2011 Reflections

This year I got over my fear of really being afraid of being in love to.. it's a CHALLENGE to be in love with another human being-really! 2 challenges technically; 1 is working with the difficulties of my own stuff and woes of relationship...and where THAT all started! 2; working with another who is, for some reason, IMMENSELY attractive

 but so full of his own stuff, one with sound logic would wonder why one would undertake a "project" when a "project" is ALREADY in session? In other words; If I'm such a basket case of issues, why would I KNOWINGLY accept a partner as my mate who also has a ton (NOT the phrase I wanted to use here, but since I'm a church girl today, I say this one has washed over me & move on-DANGITT!!) ... of problems!! HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED...... IF I KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM WHAT'S HARD FOR ME IN MY LIFE, I WILL NEVER GET TO EASY!!!~~ My whole entire life has been running from what's hard then going back to even harder because what I ran to got hard and I took the easy road and went back to hard because I KNEW what that HARD was going to be like (does that make sense?). And when I couldn't take anymore of IT I ran from it AGAIN and stayed out until IT got hard OUT THERE then went back... you see. I didn't stop running or in the case of the above worked on relationships properly or addressed ANY my OWN issues!! Until this relationship, seriously..... We're MASTERPIECES in procession!! 

This year, toward the end, our church had a series called SEX, DATING & MATING; as a result of it I learned some very profound, life altering changes! I learned All my views I've held of myself as a young, adult female, mother, addict/acholic, daughter, sister, cousin, niece & GRANDMOTHER were wrong!!! The ways I carried myself, thinking I knew what was going on were not quite right. Now...I'm not saying that I KNOW what "quite right" may be for you but I know what it was and is for me and I wasn't living it prior to the SEX series. Then and now slowly a radical change is still emerging. Living a "Holy Life" or as a "Woman of God" in today's times isn't easy. It doesn't look the same on every woman but it is sure worth the effort!! 

Even if I may not ALWAYS like the way it makes me feel!!

AS A MOTHER..... I learned I'm not EVER going to be ALL things to my sons and daughters that they want me to be. I won't say all the right words. I will say TOO MUCH sometime (oft more than not) but THEY ALL know by now that's only because I care...and I know what I'm talking about ....see there I go!! My children are not always going to love nor respect me me all the time and I've come to terms with that because here's what I know; we are all adults who live in a fallen world. We will all make mistakes and do what (bad) we do until we do (good) better. I FOR SURE am not one to hold my children's disdain for me at times against them. They came from me, that makes my LOVE more overpowering an emotion than their momentary right to be frustrated with their mom!! I'm NOT an easy mom to have!! But I'm the one God gave them!! I can understand how they feel the way they do,as I stated above, I had ISSUES; POOR KIDS-THEY  ROLLED THE HEAVENLY DICE ON 3 SEPARATE OCCASIONS & GOT ME AS A MOM!!!

So kids when you wanna get mad at your mom for things in the future....raise your fist and cuss at God. He gave you-me-:0!! 

But funny as I try to make that seem, my hardest issue that I struggle with this year was letting go my adult children on another level and also my GRANDDAUGHTER!! (I won't get into that, she's not officially "LET GO" just yet but .....see there I go....done on that subject)

There was a birth and a loss that occurred that was significant this year. In all the years of my life there of been this strange phenomena of birth following death happening around me. Whenever I've tried to explain this to others that are close to me they shun this talk saying that no such things could be true. Maybe because they're too close and afraid for me or them or have not experienced it to the same degree I have. I would like to go back in my history and give year and time when this has happened but this is going on quite long already and I have more to say, so I'll just stick with what happened this year ( and if you're interested catch me sometime, when you have a moment and I'll fill you in:)). 

In August I had a very beautiful, Blessedly healthy granddaughter born in our family I could not have been more happier as she was long awaited and long overdue for her mommy, daddy & 7 yr. old big brother!! But the following month on 9/11 my beloved chihuahua PHOENIX was taken from in front of our home and has not been seen or reported returned since. Overshadowing to some degree my granddaughter's birth was the loss of Phoenix because I was originally not known for being a "PET PERSON".  So for me to be in love with a dog was (for anyone that knew me) CRAZY to begin with!!  But the depths of which were touched when that incident occurred were UNREAL!! I did not realize I had such an attachment to that animal, until he was no longer there!! I mean I knew I liked the little guy and I always said, that he was NOT going to be going anywhere anytime soon (why would I have said that??!!) But I didn't register the gage of my emotions for that animal until I was just left with my newborn granddaughter without my dog.....it was painful. I had dreams of my granddaughter and Phoenix being bffs. I could see Phoenix being at her bedside. Just as new moms have dreams of their new babies I had those of Aria & Phoenix. But this paragraph has a happy ending, in this final stretch of the year, after just only WEEKS!!  of mourning over our missing doggie another EQUALLY as adorable doggie shows up at our doorstep NEEDING love and a home. So looks like Aria will have a friend afterall, my dreams are still in tact and God gets the Glory for making it all happen!! LIFE....DEATH.....LIFE...ETERNAL!!

NOTE; As I finished the last sentence of the above paragraph a thing that can be described in only MIRACULOUS terms as we know them to be, I had given up on EVER setting my eyes on my BLESSED little doggie PHOENIX H.R. BENNETT again, as I said, he was taken from in front of the mobile home of Dennis's on 9/11. But as I was putting an end to my thoughts on the subject and moving on with my life, God, who KNEW my heartache had a different ending here; I recieved a call from my fiance' who was at work, (just as I put the exclamation point on LIFE...ETERNAL!!) telling me to get my dog he was at the pound-the same one where we purchased him from!!

PHOENIX had been risen!! 

Now I don't know what a MIRACLE must've looked like back in days of old but I think I know one when I see one today and getting my dog back and recieving so many of the other wonderous BLESSINGS & LESSONS that I received this year is truly a MIRACLE. 

I really don't know what 2012 has in store for us other than a wedding and a whole lot of birthdays but I DO know that it's going to be AWESOME!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS!!

The 3rd Step: Did I REALLY?!!

STEP 3

Made a DECISION to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a decision..did I really??? After many years of hearing and reading that it starting to hit me tonight (after hearing again TWICE more for the umteenth time!!), that MAYBE EVEN THAT DECISION WASN'T MY WILL!!!! Maybe that "DECISION" that I made back then WAS God's!! 

I've heard a ton of sharing over the past 14 years  on how others have come to this EARTHQUAKING decision making, mind changing conclusion, to allow God to walk out the rest of their lives with or for them or both. I myself have shared in meetings how I gave my life over when I had that spiritual epiphany in my bathroom way back when, with my husband present. But nothing has hit me more clearer tonight than how maybe it really wasn't ME back then who made the decision to turn my life over but GOD being present with me, His Holy Presence being WITH me in the depths of my depraved soul, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He was there even then to say 'IT'S TIME' and He was who helped me reach that decision to turn my empty life around to the fullness that it is today!!

Another thing that tells me that this probably wasn't me even way back then who made "THE DECISION" but God, is that when I hear those among my peer group share. Those who are new or recents or revolvers or those who can't quite seem to ever keep it together for any length of time. These women are my EVER PRESENT reminder that the decision, whereas it may appear to LOOK LIKE mine on the outside, like I'm REALLY cool like that. Making the decision to just say NO! BUT let's just be real here.. I'm not THAT STUPID, God really is in charge!! Is and always has been! My decision to turn my life over to His care came at the right time. I was DONE with a capital D.O.N.E.!! Hearing how women still are struggling today and how others are just scrapping by coming in freshly recovering from the damage of the streets, I get soooooo grateful and humbled. I want to break into small fragments of wafers or something loving and ensconce myself into one of my hurting sisters to absorb their pain. I want to do it so much because I've been in that hurt sucky place before and I made it out by the skin of my teeth. It was horrible how I made it out, I cried to God alot. I gave Him MY will a lot. I didn't have to but I did. 

And see there's another thing... WILL. A whole nother thing than decision making. Will is the ACTION word here. Will requires me to do what I say I'm going to do or NOT DO what I say I'm NOT GOING to do.  To date, for the close to 14 years now I've said regularly that I would not smoke crack anymore nor would I allow alcohol to cross my lips again. And for this many years I've been able to do this ONLY by my willingness (action NOT to do) to keep it that way. And know this, somedays that wasn't easy!! Somedays it STILL isn't easy but sure is a lot better than what it used to be because now I've got more God in me and I know more about myself and that makes all the difference.

This is just my opinion and this is just me, but I don't think of myself all that super great anymore. I did up until a few minutes ago (not to worry though, THAT won't last long either, I got a BIG EGO!) (NOT!!), but now I don't!! I'm a puppet for my Father!! Not that that's a bad thing, I probably could've phrased that better. But what I'm trying to convey is that the Lord has loved me so long, even when I wasn't thinking He was and we were just getting acquainted. He was really there the whole time and even before I recognized He was there.... He'd already been there... watching.... waiting...... and He was the one who couldn't take anymore and He made MY decision!!! 

I just followed along with the Master's Plan..........................................

I guess I'm going to keep on following...........................................

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing......John 15:5

I rest my case!!