I never really thought about it much before, I used to always think that I was the one being hurt in my relationships by those whom I had chosen. I used to think that they hurt me because of some DEFECT of character that was in them that I couldn't love or caress away. That was until recently.
Recently, I've started to view my relationship with this new guy from a whole new perspective and now have some insight who just may have the TRUE DEFECT OF CHARACTER after all; me! That is not plesent for me to admit that but I'm being hit in the face with some harsh realities from close friends and when worlds, principalities and intellects collide, well MY brain for one, just starts to go into hyper drive analyzing a circumstance or situation. Especially this one I'm in right now.
I would've never suspected that I would be a toxic contaminant in a relationship. Where my being with someone would do more harm to that relationship than any good could ever come of it but I'm starting to to get a clearer vision here of the present state of my affairs. The man I'm with today is being CHOKED by my presence! I'm not sure if he even sees or he knows what's happening. If he does he's not saying, which is another indicator that I may be too toxic-he's afraid to be open with me. I never would've imagined that I would be feeling this way and saying this about myself, I probably would've considered this something to hide or be ashamed of because it is after all a failure of sorts and does appear to show that I have some LOW MORAL FIBER still lingering in my persona which probably should have been gone by now seeing as how I'm a little up in age. But lo that is not my scenario and I am as far from wise in matters of the heart and how to do relationships as a child is to mastering transferring equities into annuties (if you can do such a thing!)
The other day when I thought about what I was doing to my mate, I thought about the fragility of his state of mind and what the particular circumstances were he has yet to walk all the way out of. I thought about if we are both to be considered in program, I would be "13 stepping" this guy! STRAIGHT UP!! That thought disgusted me, sincerely.
(Sorry this blog isn't happy, rosy or pretty but blogs are supposed to be our emotions as we're feeling them. These are my feelings today).
And since then, I've thought of nothing else but how I'm hurting this man by being with him. And here is the really sucky part about this is now that I'm in it, like him a lot...how do I stop?
I'm the POISON here I know it. As sure as my name is what it is I have to stand and own this. This could've been and STILL has the potential to be a perfect "MATCH" but the way I've run it....I think not.
how do I stop?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Bella's Goodbye Walk
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I could say more but the pictures say it all. Sara Cooper did an amazing job putting this together. No one could've captured this day better. Sara has expressed the sentiments of everyone in the group that walked for Bella, no one need say more.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
WHEN THE GROUND RISES & COLLIDES WITH THE SKY!
When the ground rises & collides with the sky, one feels uplifted yet uncertain of what's happening to the ground.
The air feels and thin, clear and surprisingly close. you really don't know which way is up or what way is south. All one knows it that wherever they are they are not where they used to be and nowhere near anywhere they've been before.
Is it "LOVE"? Is it a passing fancy? Is it a dream? How long will this feeling last? How will I make it last? Is this like it was before? Is this going to be totally new? Should I stay or get out early?
What am I saying....this feels good! What does it matter how long something is going to last. This is just an experience not to be missed-FOR NOW! Tomorrow's not guaranteed..., eventually the sky falls, the ground becomes the ground again and I wake up from my dream.
When the ground rises & collides with the sky, one feels uplifted yet uncertain of what's happening to the ground.
The air feels and thin, clear and surprisingly close. you really don't know which way is up or what way is south. All one knows it that wherever they are they are not where they used to be and nowhere near anywhere they've been before.
Is it "LOVE"? Is it a passing fancy? Is it a dream? How long will this feeling last? How will I make it last? Is this like it was before? Is this going to be totally new? Should I stay or get out early?
What am I saying....this feels good! What does it matter how long something is going to last. This is just an experience not to be missed-FOR NOW! Tomorrow's not guaranteed..., eventually the sky falls, the ground becomes the ground again and I wake up from my dream.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Loosing PEOPLE
It's made me realize the sheer preciousness of life that we take for granted everyday. Bella lived for 1 year and 4 months and 14 days. That was the extent of her precious life on earth, yet others we all have known and loved may have lived for much longer. And just as they all had a birth date they all now have a KNOWN death date. I have one too, don't know what it is, will never know it because it's mine. But my kids & friends will. It made me see how quick life is and how fast it goes. None of us ever really pays full attention to how FAST LIFE GOES until it's gone. Today I noticed.
Today I noticed that LIFE doesn't stop because a little child dies or a grandfather, husband, wife, sibling or friend dies. The world doesn't take note of NON-celeb deaths, people just die. Death only impacts those that are closest to it the lives of those around the one that's passed on. No one else ever really pays attention. And yet we should. We should pay attention because it's a sign of things to come in our own lives further on down the road. Death is no stranger to anyone. This little angel's 4 year old sibling has had her first run-in with death and little does that 4 yr. old know, that more "run-ins" are headed her way.
Today, after receiving the news of this little girls passing, I took a walk (instead of driving my car) to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled. It was a deliberate walk to clear my head from the sadness I had just received and to bring me back down to earth as this was unsettling to me. On my walk I noticed the sunshine, the breeze in the air, people in cars going north, south, east and west. I noticed workers and old people, people in a hurry to get to the pharmacy line people going slow because time had caught up with them and slowed them down. I noticed that it was important to still smile at people and say hello even though we both were wearing sunglasses and passing each other (people still see you/me through shaded eyes) and it was important to say THANK YOU & PLEASE when being serviced. Why? because today is all I know I got for sure and I don't want to waste it being mean, cold, distant, rude or unkind to ANYONE! Why? Because LIFE is PRECIOUS! People matter, even in a busy world-people matter.
Everyday that we live and breathe DEATH has a good day, by a luck of the draw, a perfect roll of seven on the dice and by sheer GRACE alone, you and I get a "by" today. While we're here, in the time we have left, I believe we owe it to each other to make it a VERY GOOD DAY!
Whatever you do today, do as one of my pastors says; "SATURATE THAT PUPPY (DAY) WITH PRAYER!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Promises Associated With HIS Name
Imagine a scene in which all the people who have ever lived are standing one in front of the other, side by side and in rows throughout history. Then death enters the picture, snapping its steely cold fingers against the first person in line. One by one everybody collapes, like a long line of dominoes. The process goes on for centuries until one of the dominoes doe the impossible-it stands back up again. Suddenly death's power has been challenged, disrupted, called into question.
That's what happened when Jesus was killed. Though death pressed down on Him it could not obliterate His life. As Peter assured his fellow Jews: "God rasised Him from the dead, freeeing Him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him" (Act 2:24).
Jesus, the greatest of all deaths's trophies, did what no human being had ever done before. He gave death the slip. And now he leads a revolt against sin and death, promising that the same divne power that raised Him from the dead will raise us up as long as we have fed on Him, the Living Bread come down from Heaven.
Then Jesus delclared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty" (John 6:35)
Refuse to spend so much money on things that will never satisfy your hunger (Isaiah 55:1-2)
Reflect on Jesus' words at the Last Supper (Luke 22:7-22)
Remember the promise of His hidden manan (Revelation 2:17)
From PRAYING THE NAMES OFJESUS by ANN SPANGLER-Chapter 4: BREAD OF LIFE-FRIDAY (paraphrased)
That's what happened when Jesus was killed. Though death pressed down on Him it could not obliterate His life. As Peter assured his fellow Jews: "God rasised Him from the dead, freeeing Him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him" (Act 2:24).
Jesus, the greatest of all deaths's trophies, did what no human being had ever done before. He gave death the slip. And now he leads a revolt against sin and death, promising that the same divne power that raised Him from the dead will raise us up as long as we have fed on Him, the Living Bread come down from Heaven.
Then Jesus delclared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty" (John 6:35)
Refuse to spend so much money on things that will never satisfy your hunger (Isaiah 55:1-2)
Reflect on Jesus' words at the Last Supper (Luke 22:7-22)
Remember the promise of His hidden manan (Revelation 2:17)
From PRAYING THE NAMES OFJESUS by ANN SPANGLER-Chapter 4: BREAD OF LIFE-FRIDAY (paraphrased)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Just what goes on in my head
The OCTA driver told the CHP officers on the scene that the driver of the green 2001 Ford Focus wagon sped up past her on the 55 freeway and cut in front of her giving her no time to stop. When the emergency crew arrived on the scene of the accident all that could be made of the driver was trace identification that she was female and race. No age, name or other distinquishable identification could be made at that time of the woman whom from all apparent intents had a suicide wish and carried it out.
When the investigators arrived on the scene the metal from the vehicle had mangled the woman's body to the point of nothing being able to be retrieved for identification, not even dental impressions could be taken. The woman's skull had been crushed to a pulp. One clue that was retrieved from the flattened vehicle was a necklace type tag that had been more than likely been hanging from the car's rearview mirror. It was a black necklace the bore the words THE CROSSING CHURCH on it and attached was a damaged and tattered placard that said LIFELINES VOLU___R was all that could be made out of the words. The investigators handling the case contacted the church to ask what the missing letters could possibly represent and were told they were VOLUNTEER.
The lady was a volunteer of a recovery program at a church in Costa Mesa and this tag is what they wore on nights of service. Investigators further inquired and found that any number of the placard/necklaces had been given to a number of volunteers and there was no tracking of whom they were given to or number on the placards that would identify them either. Other identification that should have been in the car such as driver license, vehicle registration, insurance or any mechanical work that had been done on the car had been removed as no items were in any compartments of the car as would traditionally be found, nor did the woman seem to have a purse or wallet in her possession at the time of her demise which also led officers to believe that the woman had intention on making this night her night to die and her car was going to be her way out.
But the woman did not think to remove the VIN from the front of the vehilcle. Running the number the car came back registered to a 54 yr. old Afro/Cuban American female/widow/Costa Mesa resident by the name of Denise R. Dew. Ms. Dew was mother of 3 adult live children and 6 grandchildren. She was a very active member of her church and recovery community. She had been a widow for over 5 years and and lost her job in the spring of this year. Ms Dew had started recieving private therapy with a counselor and at last reports with one of her pastors all was going well. She was having some financial hardships but did not appear to be under any great deal of stress regarding her finacial matters and was reported by those who knew her to be "trusting God" to help her get by. She was said to have a very positive attitude and an encouragement to others who were struggling.
So what happened that night on the 55 freeway that caused Denise to swerve her car in front a 3 ton vehicle going 55 mph? What dislodged in her brain during that drive that would not let her see her way out of whatever she must have been going through? If her belief and faith was as strong as was reported, why did she succumb to taking the coward's/sinners way out? Surely she knew how the outcome of her decision would've played out in eternity. Denise was known for her strong spiritual standing. She was the woman that would post encouraging words for others on FACEBOOK for others to keep them motivated. She had recently talked in her small group about fancining herself as a motivational speaker for women. And she had shown no indications that day that she was depressed. Which was a deep sickness of hers that she was working with her therapist about and was on the way of overcoming. The last attempt this woman had made was over 30 years ago. And she promised a few people that if she got to that point again where she was seriously considering thoughts of doing away with herself she would let someone know what was going on and make a contract not to do harm, as she knew the procedure, having had worked in the field of recovery and a counselor herself by profession.
WHAT HAPPENED?
(that's just where my head goes, I PRAY I NEVER REALLY GO THERE!)Just thoughts. I LOVE MY LIFE!!
When the investigators arrived on the scene the metal from the vehicle had mangled the woman's body to the point of nothing being able to be retrieved for identification, not even dental impressions could be taken. The woman's skull had been crushed to a pulp. One clue that was retrieved from the flattened vehicle was a necklace type tag that had been more than likely been hanging from the car's rearview mirror. It was a black necklace the bore the words THE CROSSING CHURCH on it and attached was a damaged and tattered placard that said LIFELINES VOLU___R was all that could be made out of the words. The investigators handling the case contacted the church to ask what the missing letters could possibly represent and were told they were VOLUNTEER.
The lady was a volunteer of a recovery program at a church in Costa Mesa and this tag is what they wore on nights of service. Investigators further inquired and found that any number of the placard/necklaces had been given to a number of volunteers and there was no tracking of whom they were given to or number on the placards that would identify them either. Other identification that should have been in the car such as driver license, vehicle registration, insurance or any mechanical work that had been done on the car had been removed as no items were in any compartments of the car as would traditionally be found, nor did the woman seem to have a purse or wallet in her possession at the time of her demise which also led officers to believe that the woman had intention on making this night her night to die and her car was going to be her way out.
But the woman did not think to remove the VIN from the front of the vehilcle. Running the number the car came back registered to a 54 yr. old Afro/Cuban American female/widow/Costa Mesa resident by the name of Denise R. Dew. Ms. Dew was mother of 3 adult live children and 6 grandchildren. She was a very active member of her church and recovery community. She had been a widow for over 5 years and and lost her job in the spring of this year. Ms Dew had started recieving private therapy with a counselor and at last reports with one of her pastors all was going well. She was having some financial hardships but did not appear to be under any great deal of stress regarding her finacial matters and was reported by those who knew her to be "trusting God" to help her get by. She was said to have a very positive attitude and an encouragement to others who were struggling.
So what happened that night on the 55 freeway that caused Denise to swerve her car in front a 3 ton vehicle going 55 mph? What dislodged in her brain during that drive that would not let her see her way out of whatever she must have been going through? If her belief and faith was as strong as was reported, why did she succumb to taking the coward's/sinners way out? Surely she knew how the outcome of her decision would've played out in eternity. Denise was known for her strong spiritual standing. She was the woman that would post encouraging words for others on FACEBOOK for others to keep them motivated. She had recently talked in her small group about fancining herself as a motivational speaker for women. And she had shown no indications that day that she was depressed. Which was a deep sickness of hers that she was working with her therapist about and was on the way of overcoming. The last attempt this woman had made was over 30 years ago. And she promised a few people that if she got to that point again where she was seriously considering thoughts of doing away with herself she would let someone know what was going on and make a contract not to do harm, as she knew the procedure, having had worked in the field of recovery and a counselor herself by profession.
WHAT HAPPENED?
(that's just where my head goes, I PRAY I NEVER REALLY GO THERE!)Just thoughts. I LOVE MY LIFE!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Date with my Dad
I don't remember the last time I thought it was important to go out on a date with my Dad, but today seemed like I had to do it with urgency, as if I didn't do it today I would NEVER have this chance again. We hadn't been out together in so long, as a matter of fact I can't remember when it was the last time I made time to go out on a "date" with my Father. Other things and "other people" always seemed to be more important. He always understood and never once did He hold it agaisnt me for not taking time out just to spend solely alone with Him.
So today we went to OUR favorite place, the movies to see DINNER WITH SCHMUCKS, WE LOVED IT! Dad has a heart for all people who are downtrodden so His thoughts were clearly for those characters. I thought the movie was well written and a great message was given about judging people's character. But moreover me and my Dad spent QUALITY TIME together doing nothing but enjoying a movie with a small group of others in the room with us. It was almost like a private viewing was given because there were only 10 people in the theater including me and Dad. Dad loved it because wherever He goes, He gets in for FREE! And He loved that I saved by making my own popcorn at home and brought my own drink. He did allow me to splurge on a bag of Snickers, which He let me eat His half because he wasn't up to eating sweets today and though I don't usually, I took up His slack and ate His without getting nauseous!
Today Dad and I had a good talk before and after the movie, then I left Dad and went home. I vowed to spend more time with Him in this way. At least once a month because for me, it's not enough that I pray to Him everyday, all through the day and sometimes even in the middle of the night. But just these types of moments when NOTHING is going on that I need or want or am asking for me or for anyone else. Today was special, it was just a movie, one of my favorite kinds, a comedy. It was just a lovely simple date with my Dad-GOD.
So today we went to OUR favorite place, the movies to see DINNER WITH SCHMUCKS, WE LOVED IT! Dad has a heart for all people who are downtrodden so His thoughts were clearly for those characters. I thought the movie was well written and a great message was given about judging people's character. But moreover me and my Dad spent QUALITY TIME together doing nothing but enjoying a movie with a small group of others in the room with us. It was almost like a private viewing was given because there were only 10 people in the theater including me and Dad. Dad loved it because wherever He goes, He gets in for FREE! And He loved that I saved by making my own popcorn at home and brought my own drink. He did allow me to splurge on a bag of Snickers, which He let me eat His half because he wasn't up to eating sweets today and though I don't usually, I took up His slack and ate His without getting nauseous!
Today Dad and I had a good talk before and after the movie, then I left Dad and went home. I vowed to spend more time with Him in this way. At least once a month because for me, it's not enough that I pray to Him everyday, all through the day and sometimes even in the middle of the night. But just these types of moments when NOTHING is going on that I need or want or am asking for me or for anyone else. Today was special, it was just a movie, one of my favorite kinds, a comedy. It was just a lovely simple date with my Dad-GOD.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
My 2010 Summit Experience
Since this is the day after, it's going to take a little time to think back on what occurred for me in those two days of the summit.
Let me say that my first day was limited by my vew of where I was positioned on The Crossing compound, which was the annex between the warehouse (CSM) and the garage. I was assigned to to volunteer check-in and refreshments for the volunteers. My first thoughts was that this was NOT going to give me the advantage I desired to experince the summit the way I imagined it needed to be experienced, but as the day wore on, I found that was not the case at all but quite the opposite. It WAS as it turned out THE BEST place to veiw the summit sessions as it was private, exclusive and far more comfortable than the chair set up in the sprung!
Now mind you I did not get to sit in on every session due to checking in and having to clean up and prepare for volunteer meals, but after all that was settled I was given the green light to sit in and watch the sessions in the voulunteer veiwing room (a far better veiwing for the price we paid!)
THE SPEAKERS:
Of the few I heard; Tony Dungy, Bill Hybels, Jeff Manion, Christine (AMEN!) Caine, Terri Kelly, Daniel Pink, JACK WELCH & T. D. JAKES!!
To me this summit was like a 2 day retreat on how to become more spiritually fit, not on leadership. I got that in order for people to be leaders they have to understand who they, themselves are and who they are being entrusted to lead and what it means to own the responsiblility of leadership. But it was so much about our own spiritual fillingness that was recieved that I was just blown away. I had no preconcieved notions of what to expect and so what I got was such a BIG PACKAGE of WOW!! I'm still riding high and can't wait to take what I've learned into the ministry that has been placed in front of me.
Funny thing, I never ever really thought of myself in a ministry position or capacity but I appear to be in one now and just kind of happen to fall into it quite through circumstances of where I chose to go to church. I allow God to use me, which means that I take direction from others that HE has chosen. And this is the result I get to be in "ministry" to be in leadership! And attend a LEADERSHIP SUMMIT that was flipping Excellent!!
Let me say that my first day was limited by my vew of where I was positioned on The Crossing compound, which was the annex between the warehouse (CSM) and the garage. I was assigned to to volunteer check-in and refreshments for the volunteers. My first thoughts was that this was NOT going to give me the advantage I desired to experince the summit the way I imagined it needed to be experienced, but as the day wore on, I found that was not the case at all but quite the opposite. It WAS as it turned out THE BEST place to veiw the summit sessions as it was private, exclusive and far more comfortable than the chair set up in the sprung!
Now mind you I did not get to sit in on every session due to checking in and having to clean up and prepare for volunteer meals, but after all that was settled I was given the green light to sit in and watch the sessions in the voulunteer veiwing room (a far better veiwing for the price we paid!)
THE SPEAKERS:
Of the few I heard; Tony Dungy, Bill Hybels, Jeff Manion, Christine (AMEN!) Caine, Terri Kelly, Daniel Pink, JACK WELCH & T. D. JAKES!!
- THE KEY INSIGHTS: What motivates people? Self direction leads to engagement-Daniel Pink.speaking on IF/THEN Rewards
- on MANAGEMENT: A technoglogy from the mid 1800's at best!-D. Pink ( Loved that one!)
- The LAND BETWEEN by Jeff Manion (EXCELLENT!! 2 THUMBS UP!!)
- Fertile ground for complaints, emotional meltdowns, God's provision, discipline and transformational growth
- 2 types of leaders: Builders and Bankers. A builder will turn a hopless situation around and a banker will maintain it. One cannot exsist without the other, both are needed. T. D. JAKES
To me this summit was like a 2 day retreat on how to become more spiritually fit, not on leadership. I got that in order for people to be leaders they have to understand who they, themselves are and who they are being entrusted to lead and what it means to own the responsiblility of leadership. But it was so much about our own spiritual fillingness that was recieved that I was just blown away. I had no preconcieved notions of what to expect and so what I got was such a BIG PACKAGE of WOW!! I'm still riding high and can't wait to take what I've learned into the ministry that has been placed in front of me.
Funny thing, I never ever really thought of myself in a ministry position or capacity but I appear to be in one now and just kind of happen to fall into it quite through circumstances of where I chose to go to church. I allow God to use me, which means that I take direction from others that HE has chosen. And this is the result I get to be in "ministry" to be in leadership! And attend a LEADERSHIP SUMMIT that was flipping Excellent!!
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